Surface Listening: Why we do it, and why we need to stop now.

What exactly is surface listening? Just like it sounds, it's participating in a conversation on a superficial level by not fully engaging with the person you're speaking with, thereby essentially missing out on an opportunity to make a meaningful connection.

Recognizing this behaviour in ourselves is the first step towards improving our listening skills.

We tend to surface-listen for several reasons, but it's important to understand the negative effects of this behaviour. Whether it's due to a lack of interest in the topic, distractions, or time constraints, surface listening can hinder our ability to connect with others and understand their perspectives.

Let's take a closer look at these three main reasons.

First, whenever you notice that you're not interested in the conversation, you must be aware that you're doing yourself a disservice by shutting down someone else's stories, opinions, and perspectives. Although what they're telling you may not seem that important, be open to the possibility of learning something new just by participating in the conversation. By staying open, you become more interested in what the other person is saying.

Second, one of the biggest culprits of surface listening today is allowing ourselves to get distracted by checking our phones and thinking of what else we could be doing, such as checking off a mental to-do list. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be as easily distracted as anyone, but by limiting my distractions, I've experienced the added benefit of reduced stress and anxiety. We've all heard it preached many ways before, "stay present," "live in the moment," and so on… What that boils down to is this: distractions busy the mind unnecessarily and, as a result, perpetuate feelings of stress and anxiety. Plus, trying to remember what someone asked you just two minutes ago while you were distracted by your phone is stressful.

Lastly, when you're feeling overly busy or rushed, know this: whether you are fully listening to someone or just surface listening, both require the same amount of your time. There aren't many skillful or practical ways to rush what they have to say, so either ask them if they would be open to having a conversation later or take the time to listen to what they have to say.

So, what can you do to improve your listening skills?

When you find your mind wandering during a conversation, try asking questions to find a shared interest. This can help you stay engaged and deepen your understanding of the topic. Remember, the more you practice active listening, the better you'll become at it.

If distractions are an issue, try holding eye contact and putting your distractions aside. Of course, this is easier to do with a phone than with your kids.

If you're always rushing to get somewhere or do something, try slowing down and reviewing your time management. Giving yourself a 10-minute buffer between activities can significantly reduce stress levels.