How to be a Better Conversationalist
It's time to rethink how we listen to each other.
We're all aware that conversations are meant to be two-sided. However, to be a great conversationalist, the listening role demands most of our attention and, more often than not, requires a lot of practice. That's because most of us don't listen to listen; we listen to respond.
These are the three most common types of listening and their habitual responses in daily conversations.
Listening to Win: This type of listening is commonly used during arguments or disagreements. Because it's about being persuasive, this type of listening is often used by lawyers or in debates. It's less about actually listening to the person you're speaking with and more about getting your point across.
Interestingly, this type of listening can also be used to cheer someone up or gloss over their situation. For example, "Things always work out in the end… If it's meant to be, it will be… Well, if you look on the bright side…" are all ways to effectively end and win the conversation.
Listening to Fix: This is likely the most common type of listening because it leaves the listener feeling that they were able to help you in some way. Common responses with this type of listening are, "Have you tried... If I were in your shoes, I would... My advice to you would be..."
If you say these things in conversations, pay close attention to how they are received by the person you're speaking with. When listening to someone share their problems with you, these responses are often out of habit. However, in most cases, the person sharing their situation is looking for something other than your opinion or advice. They just want you to listen. You could ask them if they'd like your opinion instead of responding with advice or suggestions. Doing this will make your suggestions much more welcome than if you offer them up unsolicited.
Listening to Understand: Also known as active listening, listening to understand comes naturally when we genuinely want to connect with the person we're speaking with. This type of listening supports someone emotionally because it's unbiased. Typically, this is the listening we long for from others, but getting better at this type of listening also takes the most practice.
If you'd like to get better at listening to understand, here are a few things you could practice in your daily conversations:
Let the speaker finish their thought (don't interrupt or cut them off). This may be a challenging habit to break for some, but it will make a world of difference. You may notice that the conversations you would typically interrupt to speed up are much shorter without interruptions. Ironically, when we interrupt someone's train of thought, it often takes them longer to finish what they were saying than if we'd just let them finish.
Clarify any points they make to ensure you fully understand. You could repeat what they tell you or ask follow-up questions before considering your response.
Give the speaker your full attention. I can't stress this point enough, so please put your phone away, make eye contact whenever possible, pay attention to your posture (are you leaning in or away?), and practice a few subtle mirroring techniques to give the speaker your full attention during the conversation.
If you practice these three things, you may be surprised by how much your conversations improve just by putting more effort into how you're listening.